BEDA #21: Laundry Day…

Posted on April 22, 2010


…see you there. Underthings, tumbling.

Damn you Neil Patrick Harris, why must you be so talented and so attractive and so not heterosexual?

So if you couldn’t tell, it was laundry day* today, which means I was singing Dr. Horrible literally all day. That’s why I never do laundry. My laundry level was at a code black (which is the one after red), for those of you unfamiliar with the laundry scale, this means for the past several days, I have been wearing clothes scoring upwards of 8 on the S.T. (Smell Test), and 6 on the P.S.F.T. (Physical Signs of Filth Test). If you were wondering, the scale goes to 10, and in this case, higher is not better.

Since I wait so long in between bouts of hygiene such as cleanly attire, laundry day is somewhat of an ordeal for me. The first thing you have to do is find every quarter you can get your hands on. And that means every possible one. You’ll need them, trust me. Put all your quarters in a pile or container or something. Then find all the one dollar bills you can find and take them to the quarter machine in the lounge, which only takes ones. Now this machine is ancient and if it were a person, it would be that old guy from the movie UP. Like he was at the beginning. Not at the very beginning, beginning. The beginning of the major plot sequence. You know what I’m talking about.

Anyways, this machine only takes crisp, and I mean CRISP, dollar bills. Not a single corner can be folded down. Also, I’m sure that it can smell your fear, and that it looks into your soul, into the dark recesses of your heart where all your self-doubt and insecurities lie, to determine if you really are worthy of receiving some amount of quarters in return for the dollar bill you found wadded-up under your desk, getting cozy with the crumpled paper-plate, stained translucent with pizza grease.

After you’ve faced that ordeal you might have enough money to actually do the laundry.

It takes approximately this much money. If you were curious.

After that, find all your dirty clothes, hidden around the various nooks in your room. This means the clothes you stuffed into the back of your closet after your laundry basket was full. All the socks you took off in your bed in the middle of the night. Everything that has migrated to your roommates’ sides of the room. Everything your roommates have borrowed. Everything. Because if do all your laundry, then bring it back and find the single filthy sock that accidentally got knocked into your recycling bin, you’ll want to stab someone in the face, trust me. Also, you must don your special laundry apparel, so you can put the clothes you were wearing into the basket. After that, find some way of hefting this load to the laundry room. Since I have one laundry basket and one laundry bag, I like to heave the bag over my shoulder and carry the basket, like an unwashed Santa Claus, wearing boxers and t-shirt from the 1996 Read-a-thon.

Once you get to the laundry room, you’ll realize that all the washers are taken. Most of the washers are done, its just that people decided to let their clothes relax for a few hours. Being washed is a traumatizing experience, after all.

Heft clothes back your room. Heft clothes back to the laundry room. The key to efficient laundry-doing is to cram the washing-machines as full as possible. Really stuff it there. if you’re really good, you’ll be able to pack it so tight it forms a wall of clothes, so you don’t have to worry about stuff falling out before you can get the door shut.

When your clothes are done, remove them from the washing-machine as quickly as possible. If you don’t, someone will dump them on the floor and put in their clothes.

Pick the dryer with the friendliest disposition. Each one is a little bit different. Never pick the one second from the left on the top. That dryer is a bitch. You’ll add a pound of quarters, turn the thing on, you’ll get your clothes back still soaking wet, and most likely a pair of your underwear will be gone. Some dryers eat clothes. Although it doesn’t really matter, because none of them freaking work, and in the end you’ll have paid a ton of money for some soaking wet but slightly warmer clothes. Then, you must heft the clothes back to your room, and hang them tastefully about your room so they can air dry. For speed-drying, you can play a fun game I like to call “See how high you can turn the heater before your roommates notice and get annoyed.” The trick is to do it very slowly. Like in that movie, where he’s talking about boiling a frog and how that has something to do with how we’re all going to die.

You may have noticed that it is very late and thusly proper use of commas is irrelevant.

*Every time I use the phrase “laundry day,” you are to start singing that song. Because that is what its like to be in my brain.

Posted in: BEDA